This week has been a week of overthinking and overpainting. Not all days as a creative are good, even when the things you dreamt of are happening
Now I know these are not big problems, in the grand scale of this world we are currently living in, but I did want to share the other side to living life as a creative. To show that whilst we happily share and post all the positive and exciting things that happen in our creative lives (for which we are very grateful) there are days when it is a bit of a struggle to keep up with the positivity and to fight off the self doubt.
Don’t get me wrong, yes it is so wonderful to be an artist. You have no idea how much I had always wanted to be able to call myself this. It still fills me with joy that I am able to live this life. I have always enjoyed making, more than anything. To be able to live life putting these creations out into the world is something I will never tire of, but when your creative practice becomes a way in which you make your income, because let’s face it we all need to be able to pay the bills, a lot of pressure is added.
Creating Under Pressure
This pressure is often self-inflicted! Crazy
I was recently asked to create a series of paintings for a business I have admired and followed for so long. YAY! I know! I used to imagine what it would be like to work with this business. For me it was a goal that if achieved it I would almost feel like I had ‘arrived’.
Last month the dream came true and I got the email asking if I could put together a series for this business. I was overjoyed, as you can imagine, for about 5 minutes, before the panic and self-doubt kicked in. Ahhh! Why does that happen!? Those moments in life that we should be letting soak into our very essence only last about two minutes before we move into the next worry. Why do we find the good stuff so hard to enjoy and when do we actually take the time to sit back and enjoy where we are and how much we have achieved along the way?
Since receiving this email I have been frantically painting to create this series of paintings. Usually I don’t take commissions for paintings. All of my paintings are individual, one of a kinds. I have always enjoyed owning individual things myself and it is something I have always felt proud of in my paintings. In a world of mass production I so value being able to buy things that have been touched by human hands and made with love and when a collector buys a painting from me I want them to feel this with their painting.
The paintings I am creating for this series will all be individual, but they do need to have a certain ‘look’ to fit in with this brand. The owner of the business told me which of my paintings she liked and I am creating with these in mind. I knew this would be a challenge, but I was determined to make this work and up to this week they had been going quite well. I was liking them. This week I am hating them and I am tying myself in knots overthinking the whole thing, almost to the point that I can’t face going into the studio to face two of these paintings in particular.
I have been in this place many times with paintings. All artists know that they often have to struggle through a few ugly stages before a painting comes to life, but to have the patience to sit through this phase is often torture. Add to this self-inflicted expectations, deadlines and the need to make a living and it can soon send you into a downward spiral. This is what I am fighting this week.
I know I will get past this
I know they will all come good
I have been here before
But today I am in my trackies, cleaning the house, cooking, basically hiding from my studio and doing anything else rather than go and push past this stage.
I needed to share :) I hope you don't mind x
Be kind to yourself everyone xx
Reminding myself x